It took weeks of planning and comprehensive participation from all sectors of the local town government in Burgeville, Illinois. From the mayor and the police chief to the teachers and even the agricultural commissioner–everyone was in on it. As planned, Mayor Moore stepped up to the podium and delivered the following address early this morning:

“Good morning residents of Burgeville. It has recently come to our attention that their are safety concerns and issues of exclusion permeating through our otherwise happy town. High-fives have long been a show of respect, a celebratory symbol a coming together for young and old alike as to say ‘Way to go! Or go team!.’ Sadly, it only takes one or two to ruin it for everyone. It came to my attention that local resident and everyone’s favorite accountant, Debra Montgomery, took a high-five in the eye. Needless to say, she was left without the full functionality of her left eye for nearly and hour and a half. And furthermore, I’ve heard from educators that tell me that during recess, high-fives are a sign of acceptance, the creating of a social hierarchy that doesn’t look kindly on outsiders, on those, not receiving high-fives. It is never preferable to create more regulation, but this can’t go on any longer. On this day, we enact Provision 348190AHF, otherwise known as ‘The Removal of High-Fives from an Otherwise Decent Town.’ You will no longer have to worry about being caught off guard by an incoming high-five, your children feeling dejected by peers or roving gangs of high-five givers. Thank you. God bless you and God bless Burgeville.”

Needless to say, the joke was lost on the locals and they were outraged. “I’m no Constitutional scholar, but I’m pretty sure the founding fathers would have wanted us to be able to high-five whenever we please,” said local electrician Juan Andjuar, and continued, “I mean, what’s next, no more thumbs up? This is un-American.” Linda Gould, President of Burgeville First Savings and Bank, stated “High-fiving is one of my six-year old’s favorite activities. We do it when he cleans his room, helps around the house, has a good game, he’s going to be devastated. I just don’t understand this.”

These sentiments were shared by a near majority of the town who quickly grew exasperated and even decided to share their feelings publicly with Mayor Moore. A crowd gathered around local favorite Dunkers, warming up with coffee and donuts, made their signs, synchronized their message and took to the streets. “I suggested give me five or give me death as a play on the New Hampshire state motto, but people thought that may be a bit much. But I don’t think it can ever be a bit much when it comes to freedom,” said “between-jobs” resident Ben Davis.

The town’s six-man police force, still committed to the prank, showed up with warnings for the protestors, “We want this to be a peaceful, high-five free demonstration,” from the chief himself, Jeff Burge, who is also part of the town’s founding family.

Statistics show that nearly 87.3% of all high-fives are unnecessary, but that nearly 95% of Americans believe they should have the opportunity to give and receive them. Showing that while most believe the act is antiquated, they should be able to engage in it whenever and wherever they please.

“I’ve high-fived at football games, weddings, out on the street after a good joke. And now they want to take that from me?” lamented Juan Andujar. So the protest proceeded with chants of “Give me five” and “Free our hand gestures,” which received giggles from some.

We spoke to Mayor Moore about the protests who has committed to sticking with the prank for the entire day. “Really, they are fighting for high-fives? I mean, we had to close a library recently and you didn’t hear a peep. I think they are just looking for a reason to get out of work.”

It is reported that only three fake fines have been given out and there was one near arrest as Linda Gould, in a sign of shared humanity, tried to high-five Chief Burge. “I thought this was America, not, well, Canthighfivelandville,” Ben Davis told us, “I only hope that future generations of Burgeville citizens will be able to give each other some skin.”

We Want to Know:

• How important are high-fives to you?
• What would you do if your town outlawed high-fives, even as a prank?
• How do you feel about reading our completely fabricated post?

Start the conversation below!

Tags: april fool's day, april fools, burgeville, high-fives, protest

This entry was posted on Friday, April 1st, 2011 at 7:53 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.